I Wanna Love Like He Loves

It has been 3 years plus since I last published in my blog. That's way too long. It's ironic, or maybe not if you believe in coincidences, that it was on my mind to write on the topic of love and come to find out the very last blog I wrote was about love. Hmmmmm .... God, I'm listening.

"They say" - I don't know who they are - but it has been said that if you want to show someone you love them, you find out or PAY ATTENTION to what their likes and interests are and what they love and show some interest yourself.

For instance, if someone likes to dance and you want to spend time with that person, get to know more about them, or just let them know you care, then maybe you would take them out dancing or take them to a movie about dancing or  .... you get the idea.

Well, I love God and He tells me that if I love Him then I will follow His commandments like loving my neighbor and my enemy. He says to be angry and sin not and to bear all, hope all, endure all, and believe all. I summed up a few scriptures just now. Here are the actual scriptures for your reference. (John 14:15, Matt. 5:44, Matt. 22:39, Eph. 4:26, 1 Cor. 13:7).

Here's my problem though. I find myself becoming annoyed or angry when others don't love me like I love them. I mean, I think I try my best to get to know what they like or what interests them, like family. Surely if you see me loving your family you will know that I love you and maybe return the favor. However, if it is not shown in the exact manner in which I have bestowed my love upon them then I am a bit frustrated. I'm aware that I'm judging and it goes back to my last post. We all want a faithful love. We ultimately want our love reciprocated and oftentimes the love we give to others is not given back to us in the same form by the same person and for me ... I'm scared to be left emotionally bankrupt from every person I decide to invest in. And honestly that's sometimes how I feel.

I mean, if my love language is words but his or her love language is physical touch. What if you don't care to speak my love language then what's my motivation to indulge in yours? Then, I take the time to call someone, but their rule is to not call married people (I feel discriminated against at this point), so now all the burden and responsibility is on me to continue to build the relationship cause basically you've already told me that you will NEVER call me.

I know I have my work cut out for me. I just wanted this forum to begin the conversation of loving like God loves. I mean, we do everything but follow His commandments and He still loves us, no matter what. I wanna love like Jesus loves us! But I'm scared. I'm being transparent. I still have my walls up. I'm tired of lip service. I want to be more, no matter what others do around me. My actions should not depend on others if His love truly resides in me. That's basically what 1 John 2 is referring to.

If you read this, thanks for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts. It's been awhile so please forgive this first and rough draft but had to get it out. My hope is to continue on this journey of Self-Reflection into who I was, who I am, have always been, and who I want to be. Always improving.

I'm getting there ....

A Faithful Love

Faithful love cannot be fearful love.

For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten ([a]unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life. - John 3:16

"Here I stand waiting for you to take notice of my yearning to love you completely with everything I have. I will be your back or your front, I will stand by your side, just don’t leave me. I will be your diary … I will keep your secrets. I am your personal cheerleader, I’m here to assist you. I have tunnel vision … I only have eyes for you. But to gaze upon your essence leaves me feeling helplessly ignored. I am pushed aside and sometimes fall flat on my face when I reach out my hand to you for a loving embrace. It’s funny how you desire a faithful love …. But what about me will that same love be returned?" (by Brandy Small)

Not long after I had just graduated from college I made a list … 2 lists to be exact. I made a list of everyone who I loved from who consumed most of my time to least. And the second list was made up of everyone who I felt loved me and who had ALWAYS been there for me. I was disgusted to realize that the two lists were opposite of one another. The number one on my first list was the last on my second list and vice versa. It was a sobering reality.

Who doesn’t want to be loved? To be that special person to somebody special? To be treated like a king or queen in some regards? Who doesn’t want to be appreciated for who they are without pretending to be someone else? An EX-friend of mine felt that they should receive all the benefits of a faithful love without having to reciprocate it, which in my opinion was ludicrous. Therein is the problem. It is unfathomable to me that I should or anyone could love (for real) giving everything to someone who does not reciprocate the same love. However, that’s the kind of love that God has for us and exactly why Jesus died for us. It is because of that love that helped me to stop looking for that love in man and say yes to Jesus.

I am grateful for finding someone who was able to look beyond my past and marry me for my future (only by God's grace). But I still struggle to love unconditionally. In my spirit, a question that continues to nag me is “Even if he does not, will you?” Because when that time comes, as I believe it will, we will all be held accountable for each action, or inaction, deed, word, or thought of our own. When will I stop looking unto others to return to me what God gave so freely? It’s because we all desire a faithful love.

We love Him, because He first loved us. - 1 John 4:19

Xulon Press book Lord, You've Been Faithful | Shavona L. Floyd

Go and get Lord, You've Been Faithful written by my sister in Christ our Lord Shavona Floyd. This book can and will be life changing once you make the decision to start reading it. Look at the video trailer below for a sneak peek.

Comfortable being Uncomfortable

Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,  I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:13-14)

Have you ever been told to get comfortable being uncomfortable? Doesn't sound right, does it? Yet, I'm sure we've all been in our fair amount of situations where up was down and down was up ... where we went in a situation feeling confident of what was to come and coming to find out it is nothing what you were expecting or could have imagined or even anticipated to be ... where one minute your feet are safe and sturdy on solid ground and the next it is as if the ground has been pulled up from under you and you either have fallen flat on your face or you find yourself on the ground looking up and undoubtedly asking .... What just happened? How did I get here? What do I do now because I didn't see that coming?

Been there and done that and pretty sure I still have more to come. An experience that stands out in my life was the time where I was transitioning from losing a job to losing my dad to gaining a husband who had conveniently been very comforting, supportive, accepting, and helpful to me during my time of bereavement all within a year. I was strangely calm and accepting of being let go from my job of 9 years. I was strangely calm and accepting of being thrust into an environment that I had painstakingly tried to run away from all of my life (going back home and being around family) and caring for my father in his last living months. I was strangely, even more calm on the day we buried my dad and afterwards hearing clearly that the man I was to marry was the man who I had just met 3 weeks prior to my dad's death and then to leave with him to Korea. However, after we were married that's when all hell broke loose and the confidence I had had in all the previous trials and tribulations seemed to not be with me in a time that I should have been the most peaceful, happy, and content. Crazy ... right?

Well, that's just one moment that stands out of many and rest assured God has answered and helped me with the blank stare I had upon my confused state of "where is my peace ... I'm married now ... so where is my peace". Praise the Lord! But this is a perfect example that explains the above scripture. A lot of my problem when I was first married was I had baggage from previous relationships including my parental relationship with my mother and father. We all have baggage that we know of and oftentimes are unaware of. Needless to say, the more I forget those things that are past from my life to the offenses that have been incurred against me today and press forward, I feel light, fresh, and peaceful.

I have digressed a little off of the path of my originally intended discussion but bear with me. What does forgetting the past and pressing toward the future have to do with getting comfortable with being uncomfortable? Good question. The past can hold us back from our future if we are stuck in it or carrying it with us. The reason I had peace prior to getting married was because I had a very strong connection to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I was in unity with them and leaned not to my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledged and trusted in Him. So when the unforeseen came upon me and rocked my world I was not afraid or dismayed because I trusted in the author and finisher of my faith. And because I was in unity with Him, I was also able to hear His forewarning of things to come so I was somewhat prepared.

Let me go a little more in depth ... Take 1 Kings 17:1-15, Elijah, God's prophet, was forewarned that a drought was coming, then God told him to go to a brook where he would stay and be fed by ravens. Because of the drought, the brook dried up and God then told him to go to a widow who would feed him. The widow only had enough food for her and her son and she trusted God and gave food to His prophet and she and her son had enough food to eat for 3 years. In these few scriptures, Elijah did not know his future, he had to trust and depend on God. He also had to take heed to the warning that no more rain was coming so he had to know that the brook he was used to would dry up after while. He then had to go to a widow whom he did not know and trust that she would give him food. And if that's not enough, the widow had to take a detour and change the direction of her original plan to make a last meal for herself and her son and die.

Without delaying any further ... don't allow complacency to keep you from your full potential, your true destiny to be more than what and who you are right now. We should always be growing, changing, and challenging ourselves to reach and realize our total greatness. And don't worry about comparing yourself to no one else but yourself. We are our own greatest enemy. Don't look to your left and don't look to your right, but run your own race and most importantly DON'T EVER GIVE UP! But know that sometimes ... we are going to have to do things we've never done to get to places or to receive blessings we've never been to or ever had before. Don't be afraid to leave your past behind, forgive past regrets, hurts, and offenses. Dare to not look back but look forward to the unknown and give it all you have. Get comfortable being uncomfortable and live your best life.

Time is what you make of it ... you can either waste it or make the most of it. You're on the clock ....

Generational Cycles

     I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.
                                                  ~ 2 Timothy 1:5

After a conversation with my lovely mother yesterday, I was compelled to share my thoughts on the cycles of the family. NO, I am not a licensed or trained psychologist or psychiatrist, just utilizing my 1st amendment right. Anyway, I have always discussed with my mom and sister that the manner in which our family behaves, responds, and most often thinks is a result of our family heritage.

I have seen over time the similarities between my aunts, uncles, cousins, and my immediate family and one has to ask the question....where did it all begin? I will not dwell on the bad but will uplift the positive and am happy to share that one of the behaviors that has definitely been passed down from generation to generation is our belief in God our Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I come from a praying family of women. One of the first revelations I remember God showing me, after giving my life to Christ...again, was who prayed for me in my life and it was a list of women throughout life namely my family.

So, as I often reflect on the bad things that I have inherited, I am grateful to acknowledge the positive as well. My family worries and that's what my mother and I spoke about yesterday. Worry has somehow passed from generation to generation in my family. I don't know where it all started, but I know where it's going to end. I don't know where prayer started, but I'm happy to continue in this behavior for the bible admonishes us to "not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

I'm not sure where we started worrying but kept praying or kept worrying and started praying, but the verse above makes it clear We cannot worry and pray at the same time. Of all the things the people in my life share with me in regards to my life decisions and what I should have or should not have done I wish we could start being more cognitive of what we are REALLY passing along to our family. We must do more than just talk about it, but as my husband preached last Sunday, we must also be willing to let our light shine by also being doers of the very thing we preach about. And it has been my distinct pleasure to experience that "prayer works" even when it looks like there is no way, God shows you His way.

If nothing else, as the introductory scripture shows, faith can be passed from generation to generation. So even though there may be some negative generational cycles, take the good and leave the bad...I plan to.

And last but not least, although I dislike a lot of the things that go on in my family and sometimes wish we highlighted more of the good instead of the bad as well as being a part of another family altogether I have to admit that my mother is a glowing example of the woman of God that I would not mind becoming one day, in the eyes of God for God sees our heart. So, in seeing our heart, this is what the bible says about our elders...

"No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband,  and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the Lord’s people, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds." (1 Timothy 5:9-10)

Thank you God for a praying family and for a grandmother and mother who taught me about You, shared the gospel of Christ with me and who even now continues to pray for me and my family.

I'm gay

OK, so I am sometimes a bit of a perfectionist and I wanted this post to be a little more professional or at least better written, but I must obey the Holy Spirit and get this out here. Bear with me, in love please.

I'm gay. There, I said it, I'm out and I couldn't be more happier about it. Get it? Happy? I wonder when the word "gay" began to predominantly mean homosexual? I'm a gay person, naturally and spiritually happy and I am also a Christian. I guess there lies the conundrum, or does it?

Let me take a second and vent about the backlash I have received all my life because I smile too much or appear to be too happy all the time. Of all the things for people to dislike about me...REALLY??? But I think what bothered me the most about this unfair isolation is that I received that same treatment/judgement from my Christian brethren. This is a small digression from my subject matter to minimally correlate or at least introduce the FACT that I too have been hurt by the church...I too have often felt pressured by the church to feel something that I didn't feel, say things I didn't necessarily know what they meant, and even do things that at the time I was uncomfortable doing. I was in a sense bullied by the church at one point in time or another but that did not keep me from seeking God our Father, Jesus our Lord and Savior, and the Holy Spirit because ultimately it's my personal relationship with Christ that matters. And how do the lyrics go...only God can judge me, so either love me or leave me alone.

Thanks for that momentary detour, now back to our regularly scheduled program. The LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-, trans-) community has been heavy on my heart for a while. Let me officially state that I LOVE YOU for He first loved me. I have no authority or leeway to judge, condemn or throw daggers/stones. We all need Jesus. :) I was met with a scripture in my inbox today that I believe is God's way of answering a subconscious question that has been plaguing me for a bit and is perfect for today. I received it from Joseph's Prince's Meditate and Believe Right daily email for reference purposes.

…And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”
John 8:11

To keep this post from going on and on, I'll just get to it. From listening to the journalist Lisa Ling, who presented the confrontation of the Exodus victims and current leaders in a round table type of setting on screen, to talking with my Pastor and 1st Lady, to reading today's email I am convinced that there is nothing wrong with gays and the opportunity to come to Christ and transform their life is available just as it is to anyone else. I believe that we have all fallen short of God's glory and we all need to be saved. In saying that, we are inevitably going to come across people who call themselves Christians who will impart wrong theology and seemingly play judge and condemner without thought to what I refer to the love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13. God is love and love NEVER fails. My Pastor patiently reminded me of that last night.

So, if the church has hurt you in any way, the first thing you want to do is, seek God and forgive them immediately then pray for them/us. There are so many sayings and biblical scripture like, Lord, forgive them for they know not what they do and charge it to their/my mind and not their/my heart. Please do not let anyone or thing keep you from getting to know Christ, from accepting Him in your life forever.

Second, know that change is not going to happen overnight for anyone. If I can also add this to this section, also don't be so hard on yourself. Don't try so hard in your own strength and intellect. All that is going to do is tire you out, make you frustrated and take your eyes off of Him and back on you and others. So just like one has to be in the right mindset to lose weight - have the right attitude, patience, and understanding that it's not all about how you start but that you do start and .... finish well. All God needs is a willing heart who desires to please Him above all else. That's it! Sometimes I forget that too. But a participant from the Lisa Ling "Ex-Gay" segment referenced the bible in this way, saying "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”  Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matthew 22:35-40 NIV).

Finally, read the Word of God, the bible. Take time learning what He has to say on the subject versus what others say. Spend time with Him, talk to Him and trust that He will never leave you nor forsake you. I believe that when you do this, He will answer your questions/concerns, He will give you a peace that cannot be explained, and He will guide you to or send people to you who will minister to you and help you along your journey.

If you want to take that step today and/or you desire to be prayed with or just want godly counsel please do not hesitate to email me or my Pastors at Go & Teach Christian Ministries (GATCM).

And just to ensure there is no confusion, I am not a lesbian, homosexual, bi-sexual, or trans. I am happily married to a man who God chose especially for me.